What I Learned Last Night: How to become 1980's Prom King and Queen

Believe it or not that bad prom dress you’ve been holding onto since high school for no reason besides nostalgia and memory retention and because your mother sewed it for you (therefore you just couldn’t throw it away), well, believe it or not those will come in handy! If you know the right people, you will be invited to a themed Breast cancer Awareness fundraiser! The Theme? 1980’s prom! Foresure! Bust out that black velvet, lace and polyester satin prom dress and the bad “off like a prom dress jokes” cuz your smoking chef is taking you as his 1980’s prom date. Epic it was.

Naturally such an event is only complete with a proper Prom King and Queen so nominations will happen. With smoking chef chaperoning, naturally you will win. And naturally all evening he will make bad jokes about getting your prom dress off and attempting to get you in the backseat of “his parent’s” car. Given such circumstances, how could you lose? Prom Queen inserts tears of surprise and fake gratitude, “I’d like to thank the academy…”

16 years post high school and many years after it is socially acceptable to don bad 1980’s prom dresses, all promted by attending the worthy cause of a Breast Cancer Awareness Fundraiser Event with a 1980’s Prom theme (I'm way into this. Too much.) the following is what I learned last night:
How to win Prom Queen and King:

1. It’s never to late to become prom king and queen.
2. Even if that dress your mom sewed you for the San Juan High homecoming in 1989 is unbreathably tight today, go ahead and wear it. You might feel light headed due to not taking a deep breath all evening while dancing to Devo and the Smiths and Madonna, but this author promises you won’t regret it.
3. You might also feel light headed from the spiked punch yuor future Prom King Smoking Chef keeps brining you, but yuor intoxicated by his pharmones and his skinny grey 1980's tie.
4. Be sure to go for that 80’s Madonna look embracing the black lace, short skirts and extreme bleach blonde hair and brown roots (if you got ‘em). You will wear it so well.
5. When attending an 1980’s Prom, it is not possible to wear too much blue eyeliner and electric blue eye shadow or pink Wet N Wild lip gloss. Right? Your smoking chef likes your blue eyeshawdow.
6. Take oooon meeee…Take On ME! Take me On!
7. Any bad 1980’s themed party should start with the 80’s basics. This includes but is not limited to the dress your mom made you; a 1980’s velvet strapless sweetheart neckline dress with an asymmetrically cut from hip to thigh sown-in double layer puffy skirt. Four ruched layers of white polyester satin overlayed with ruched black lace. I mean your mom sewed it for you! Such a dress acts as bragging points at the 1980’s party, and thereby secures the win essentially. This is soooo Molly Ringwald-esque. ‘Cept hers was pink and sew by Molly herself not mom.
8. Don’t forget to don those black elbow length gloves. You want the lace ones but shit, you’re fresh out.
9. And bad rhinestone tiera. You aint’ fresh out of that.
10. You’ve been saving those black fishnet nylons with rhinestones seams up the back and tigers on the ankles for this very occasion, and essentially complete your 1989 Madonna themed prom outfit.
10. Next: heels. Pointy toed and spiked. They certainly can not match the rest of the outfit. In this case you have emerald green. You aint’ regretting holding onto those spike heels for Jen now are ya?! Thanks jen. You made my prom night.
11. To win prom king and queen you will need to find yourself a proper date. One who is way into the 1980’s prom theme as well….
This is best done by smoking chef. He’s still at it with you, yes. He’ll don a perfect blazer of gray, thin lapels and a silver and gold lame skinny tie. And he’s cute in it. He wears it so well. And you find that he’ll dance with you all, I mean all, evening, to that 80’s music. And he seems to like it. And he enjoys singing to you and dancing with you. And he doesn’t care. And now you’re really in trouble because….because you like him, like totally. Damn it.
12. All night he’ll make bad 1980’s jokes:
~"Babe, like any good prom dress, that one is gonna end up on my floor." You like his bad jokes. And you like him calling you "babe".
~"Get ready for a walk of shame the tomorrow morning. Babe is off like a prom dress.” You might be willing to do the walk of shame for smoking chef.
~"Can I get you some spiked punch?....Can I get you some more spiked punch?"
~“We are so going to make out on my parent’s couch."

13. When you are officially nominated and win by audience applause because you two wear eachother so well, and I think they might know that you two kinda like, foresure like eachother, be sure the “Thank the Academy.”
14. Set up the ideal photo op: a Pink Balloon arch and silver metallic tissue paper is perfect. Strike staged uncomfortable pose with your smoking chef prom king while you both proudly don your gold tiara and crown and pretend not to be too into one another. And drunk on spiked punch.

Gag me with a spoon